I have a head cold. This is important for a variety of reasons which will become apparent.
This writing thing tends to have me sitting on my behind. A lot. I’d guess at least 8 hours a day if not more. Horrifying, I know. I’ve tinkered with the idea of writing standing up, but so far haven’t acted on it. Which leaves me in a permanent bend from sitting.
It’s not good for fitness, for the behind, or for the heart to contort your body into a permanent bend. I decided as part of my New Year’s resolutions that I needed something close-by to encourage me to move around during the day. Santa obliged by bringing me Your Shape for the Kinect for Christmas. It might not be a 2 hour yoga class, but it’s something, right? A little movement here and there, and then for a serious workout I can go to the gym.
If any of you have tried some of the Kinect games you are probably laughing at the serious workout comment.
When I hit a stopping point this morning I thought “now is the time.” Here’s how it went.
First, a stern lecture from my internal editor:
“Get up, out of the chair.”
But I just want to check this blog post.
“That will wait. Get up. NOW.”
March over to the TV. Realize I can’t find the remote. Set off on a 5 minute hunt. It turns out to be lodged neatly between the sofa cushions and covered by a quilt. Turn on TV. No signal. What do you mean no signal? Oh, the cable box didn’t turn on. Click. Ah, picture. So far, so good.
Not the right picture, it turns out. HGTV is fun, but it’s not fitness. Click buttons until the Kinect menu screen appears. Realize it’s playing golf. Not exactly what I had in mind.
Locate Your Shape disk. Mutter about how my shape is round, as anyone can plainly see. Switch golf for fitness.
“Ah there you are,” a female voice sings. The Kinect tuner sizes me up. While it does this, my inner editor informs me “You have been weighed. You have been measured, and you have been found…wanting.”
Kinect finally recognizes me, and displays a menu with previous achievements (there are none) and work out options.
Warm up. Yes that seems like the thing to start with. Click.
The warm up is 2 minutes. It felt like 20. One minute in, I start coughing and have to go get water.
“Where are you going?” The female voice chimes. I’ve decided to call her Peggy. She sounds like a Peggy. Happy. Cheerful. Obviously skinny.
“Can’t you hear me hacking over here?”
I guzzle some water and hurry back.
“Oh there you are.” Do I detect a note of derision?
The “warm up” continues. By the time it’s over I’m wheezing, coughing and can’t get air through my nose. My mouth is dryer than a desert after a drought. But, I’m not discouraged. Oh no. Now, let’s work on…another warm up. Yes, that’s it. I need practice. This time I try Hula.
“Spin your hips to keep the balls in the air.” Peggy sings.
Sounds easy. I don’t have to move my feet, always nice. I make it through this part without even throwing a hip out of joint. Encouraged, I select another warm up. This time Hurricane.
“Spin your arms in circles to keep the balls in the air.”
Have you tried to spin your arms in circles for 2 minutes? Go ahead, try it. I’ll wait.
My arms screamed at me by the time it was over.
OK, OK. Enough warm-up. I’m 6 minutes into my workout now and I’m winded, coughing, wheezing. But now my nose is clearing up. A bonus!
What next? Oh, let’s do yoga. Why not? I love yoga. Or I used to.
That is, until I got ahold of Peggy the Torturer.
“Bend those knees!” Her tone is nice and soft, but she might as well be shouting at me.
“They ARE bent, you sadistic hun!”
“Get those arms higher!” Peggy taunts.
The worst part of all this is the screen shows an image of you, as seen through the Kinect tuner, as you do the pose. So you can get your arms and legs arranged in the right order, I assume. All I notice is how I’ve managed to gain 100 pounds since I turned the stupid thing on. Do I really look like that? Good Lord, I used to do this in public!
“Remember to breathe,” Peggy chants.
Well, sure, I’d breathe, if I could get air through my nose and wheezing lungs. As a bonus, the next pose is Standing Forward Bend. I bend over, and my nose promptly starts running. Not just a dribble, mind you. A river. How is it possible to have a stuffy nose and a runny nose at the same freaking time? I have no idea, but I’ve managed it. I rush off for kleenex.
“Hey, where are you going?” Peggy calls after me.
“Listen, Bitch, I have a cold! And I’m out of shape. Stop hassling me!”
Peggy and I have a lot of conversations like this. I consider this a pretty healthy relationship with my trainer.
I drag myself back to the mat.
“Welcome back.” I detect a note of sarcasm. I’m sure she’s thinking I’ve been gone more than I’ve been present by this point. Judgmental jerk.
The yoga session ends, and I’m invited to “punch those calories away.” I’d rather punch Peggy.
At this point it seems too short to call a real workout so I subject myself to one more choice: “African Dance.” I think it’s meant to be a type of Zumba. I choose the Dance for Dummies section. The will show me the moves, presumably so Peggy doesn’t laugh at me when I try the real class.
I learn that I am, in no way, able to do African Dance. My warrior hop looks more like a frog croaking. When I move my hips forward all I really see is my tummy wiggle. When I do the Victory Dance, the Kinect never sees my arms. I’m guessing because they blend in with the rest of my body.
“Wasn’t that fun?” Peggy asks. I hate her.
I punch the remote “off” button to shut her up.
I grumble back to my chair. Now my nose is running, my chest wheezing, I have sneezes so powerful they make me lose control of my bladder, and I’m hot and bothered but not in a good way.
Ah, sweetie, as a personal trainer of many years, I should tell you it isn’t great to exercise hard when you have a cold. A few stretches and a gentle walk around the living room once in a while is more than enough. Overdo it and the cold gets worse.
Seen it / done it far too many times.
Hope you feel better soon. 🙂
I’m not sure you could call what I did hard exercise 😉 lol. At least my nose is clearer now!
The cold hasn’t hurt your funny bone. I laughed with you–and wanted to punch Peggy midway through the post.
I’m pretty sure the game/program would be greatly improved if they let you punch a face instead of the calories 😀
Melinda, I’m so sorry that you have a cold, but I have to be honest.
I laughed so hard through this entire post! I could totally imagine this entire incident playing out in front of me. Your snarky remarks were the best! And you made me “hate” Peggy too – and I don’t even have a Kinect!
I feel the same about fitness and I know that I need to exercise more. I used to watch a show called “Shimmy” – its a half hour of belly dancing techniques and at the end you put it all together and, well, shimmy. I had sore muscles in places I didn’t know existed. But it was a great workout – that I could do alone – with no witnesses. Or overly peppy voices named Peggy taunting me. 🙂
Hope you feel better soon!
oh I’m really glad I didn’t have witnesses, other than myself and Peggy. I always thought belly dancing would be fun but I know nobody wants to see me do it! lol
Glad you giggled 🙂
Aw… I hope you feel well soon, too, Melinda! And I understand your frustration over learning your body doesn’t move in certain funky ways. I had a similar experience with a hip-hop class—for beginners, yeah, right! 😉
I took one of those once! lol. I ended up standing there sorta swaying and throwing an arm out here and there. I used to love “dance aerobics”. What happened to that? I could handle that, it was a much slower pace. Or maybe I was much faster. Huh.
Melinda, sorry you aren’t feeling well, but this was laugh-out-loud funny! I’d want to punch Peggy, too. Oh, man can I relate to this. Great post.
😀 Thanks! I think I should try the boxing next, what do you think? hehe
This was hilarious! It made me laugh out loud, and then it made me a little sad…mostly because it reminded me of my ongoing battle with my Wii Fit!
Great post. Feel better soon.
I don’t know how I missed this comment, but thanks! I was never brave enough for the Wii Fit. I heard how mean and nasty it was and never tried it. At least the xBox just SHOWS me what I look like without the editorial comments about me being fat. I do plenty of those on my own lol
Melinda, you are hilarious! Bite me! Too funny! 🙂
I think Peggy is an appropriate name. Though she sounds too much like a tyrant.
I’m sorry to hear that you are sick. Take care of yourself and get better Melinda!
Add me to the “can relate” crowd – LOL! You tolerated the obnoxiously-cheerful Peggy much longer than I probably would have. I think I’ll stick with my treadmill that doesn’t talk back, and the online program where the guy’s emails are just the right amount of nice but firm. Thanks for the smiles!
This is so funny! I have had conversations like this recently with the political recorded phone messages. Bite me is right!
Great giggle for the party! I hope you are meeting some new bloggers by clicking on some links! I am working my way up the comment section and everyone really brought their best!
I’ve found a lot of new bloggers. It’s been fun, thanks for hosting it, and thanks for stopping by!
Oh man. Nothing worse than a head cold, and yes, exercising with one is a form of torture. Good for you for even attempting it. I’d be way too lazy. And I would have fought slapping Peggy!
Interestingly, Peggy never actually shows her face. She’s just a disembodied voice. Probably for the best.
Does Peggy have a twin sister? She sounds a lot like my car’s GPS lady.
You know, they might be related! The GPS lady is a whole other story lol. Reminds me of the Allstate commercial with Mayhem..the one where he’s being a GPS and he says “turn right now!” lol. I’ve had those moments. Darn her.
This post had me cracking up. I can just imagine this ‘Peggy’
Good luck with the working out!
You can experience her first hand if you have an xBox 😀
Thanks for the great laugh! I particularly loved the way you talked back to “Peggy”! (I just love all the interesting people you can meet at Susie’s parties!)
I met a lot of interesting people too! Thanks for stopping by, I’m glad it gave you a giggle. 🙂